i hate that after months, i still can't function properly.
i hate for still not okay.
i hate for being weak.
i hate it when i went to the beach, the place that i love so much, i still can't completely happy.
while he went to the place we visited together, he probably had no problem and felt completely fine and happy.
i hate it cause i went to the beach with someone else, but he was the one that i'd been thinking of.
i hate for forgetting how to be happy while my happiness should be depends on no one but me.
i hate that i can't completely continue my life, while he probably can.
i hate my inability to completely remove him from my mind. what spell do you use on me?
i hate for being so angry on him right now. and miss him at the same time.
i hate the fact that whenever i feel that i've move on, then i realized that i actually still in the same position as before.
i hate it cause i must be sound pathetic.
i hate for being not sure what i feel right now.
i hate for not even know do i still love him or not.
i hate for missing him.
i hate for being messed.
i hate for crying for the same man over and over again. for many different reasons.
i hate the fact that be with him is hurting, but be without him is exhausting.
i hate that i still care of him.
i hate that i must be sound more and more pathetic right now.
i hate for not knowing what to do.
i hate for being so hateful.
i hate if you ever find this post and be pity on me.
i hate him. yet i miss him more.

i'm not this kind of girl. not for now.

i'm not in the mood for wearing the mask, pretending that i'm strong...

pretending to be something that i'm not.

no, not because i'm a drama queen. nor looking for attention.

i'm not hoping anybody's attention. i do realize that everybody has their own problems, their own battles.

they've been busy with their life.

and i have to fight my battle all alone.

so once again, no, i'm not an attention seeker.

i'm just tired.

yea, i also do realize that i'm not the most miserable one here.

there are people out there that have worse problems than me.

but, i also have a right to be tired, no?

and once in a while, i don't wanna fake it.

i don't wanna pretend that i'm fine. cause i'm not.

i wanna express what i feel right now.

here, in my own blog.

you can say i'm immature for posting my problems and emotions on internet...

and i don't care. for now.

besides, gue posting juga di blog gue sendiri yang notabene-nya gak bakal ada yang baca...

and i don't even know gimana elu, dear readers, bisa tetiba nyasar ke blog ini?!

so yea, judge me all you want.

i don't need anybody's permission to be weak.

or come here, sit with me.

let's be weak together, for a while.

before we continue to face our own battles.

and one day we'll be strong enough, we don't need to fake it anymore.

dear all living zombies...

stay strong.

this too shall past.

sometimes you face some problems, and then you're going to your closest ones, hoping that they'll help you. hoping that they'll give some advice, know how to solve it all, or even better, they'll hold your hands and say, "let's fight this battle together."

but when you come, you don't get them all. because they're too busy, they're struggling their own problem too. they want to help you, but they can't. because they're in pain too. you forget that everyone has their own problem. 

so, expect less. everyone has their own battle... and mostly you have to fight it all alone.

...because God thinks that you're strong and tough enough to face it all by yourself.

but then, think again. do you really all alone? the truth is, you're not. let's say you're a gladiator that gonna enter the arena. yes, you have to fight the battle alone, nobody will/can help you at the arena, but outside the arena, there are some audiences that cheer you up, or prepare your food before the battle, or even polish your weapons. so yea, just like what the liverpudlian always say, "you'll never walk alone." there are still some people that show some attentions, even the tiniest one, just like simply say "be strong," or "awas kl kamu jadi tambah kurus lagi, tak bikin jadi tengkleng." these kind of people, who still try to support you no matter how difficult their life is, are the kind of people that you have to always keep.

and don't forget to always show some attentions to people around you.. you don't know how your simple "keep fighting," or "you're strong, you can pass it." probably can really bring them up.

have a day, people.

2013.

2013 had been an amazing year. i've experienced and learned A LOT. KKN, magang. bertemu dengan orang-orang dan sahabat baru. fell in love (again), broken heart (again), moved on (again). found out the real and the fake friends. knew that overthinking will kills you. merasakan langsung bagaimana kita bisa depresi pada satu hari dan merasa sangat bahagia pada hari berikutnya. menjadi saksi bahwa kematian itu sangatlah dekat. mengalami sensasi-sensasi baru. mengetahui bahwa masa lalu bisa sangat menghantuimu. and learn one thing: when you lose it, it will be shown that actually you've already had many things that greater than the one that have gone.

one of the best line that i've got on 2013:

please, please, dont be afraid to do what you want, to dream as big as you can, and to live as happy as you can be.

thankyou for the lessons, 2013, and goodbye :)