2015.

2015 is uneasy. my hardest year so far, to be exact, haha. terutama di bulan-bulan terakhir. semacam langsung di-bruuukk-in sama setumpuk hal, silih berganti, sampe kadang gak sempet napas :)) sampe ada momen di mana udah bingung mau curhat ke siapa, mau nyeritain hal yang mana, kayaknya dulu udah sempet curhat masalah yang lain, kok ntar kesannya aing immature & tukang sambat semua-semua dikeluhin :)) end up akhirnya semua disimpen sendiri aja :)) well, mungkin ini yang namanya roda kehidupan, pas 2014 gue had so much fun, nah 2015 hadir sebagai 'penyeimbang'nya :))

saya rindu kamu.

tidak peduli apakah kamu enggan melihat saya, atau begitu ingin menemui saya;
tidak peduli apakah kamu muak dengan saya, atau kehilangan akan saya;
tidak peduli apakah kamu risi dan terganggu dengan saya, atau senang karena saya rindukan;
tidak peduli apakah semua ini menurut kamu berlebihan dan melodramatis, atau bisa menyentuh kamu;
tidak peduli apakah kamu sedang jatuh cinta dengan gadis lain, atau masih menyayangi saya;
dan tidak peduli apakah saya sudah sepenuhnya kamu hapus dari hidup kamu, atau kamu merindukan saya juga.

saya rindu kamu.

sesederhana dan sekompleks itu.

salah satu hal mewah, buatku, adalah mendapat kesempatan untuk mendampingi perjuangan orang yang kita sayang.

ya, mendampingi saat mereka sudah berhasil itu menyenangkan, pasti; tapi... ketika kita bisa melihat perjuangan mereka dari nol... dari saat mereka terpuruk, lalu bangkit, dan berhasil... berhasil dalam skala kecilpun: berhasil lulus, berhasil diterima kerja, berhasil lulus dari trainee, berhasil jadi pegawai tetap, and so on... itu jauh lebih mewah menurutku.

dan apalagi kl kita bukan cuma jadi saksi, tapi juga membantu keberhasilan itu. i mean, bukan berarti dia berhasil karena kita. bantuan kita bernilai kecil, mungkin hanya sekedar menemani mereka saat down, menyediakan telinga untuk menampung keluh kesah mereka.. mereka berhasil karena kemampuan dan kegigihan mereka sendiri, tapi mengetahui sumbangsih kecil kita yang mungkin bukan apa-apa itu membawa mereka ke keberhasilan... rasanya menyenangkan. dan membuat hati terasa hangat.

so yea, mendampingi perjuangan orang dari nol sampai berhasil, terutama orang yang kita sayang... itu mewah. bahkan ketika kita sendiripun belum merasakan keberhasilan.

dan semakin mewah ketika kita adalah termasuk dalam orang-orang awal yang mereka beritahu akan keberhasilan mereka itu, kan?

sayangnya. aku sudah tidak berkesempatan untuk merasakan kemewahan pada kalimat terakhir di atas :)

pilihan untuk bakal mau punya anak atau enggak kelak masih belon pasti buat gue, but today i know one thing for sure...

kl gue gak yakin gue bakal 'bener' in the future, gue gak bakal punya anak.

maksudnya, kl gue belon yakin bener di masa depan gue gak akan jadi koruptor, mucikari, pelacur, tukang selingkuh, pengedar narkoba, etc... kl gue 'lemah', mending sisan gak usah punya anak.

no, the saddest part about it bukannya kl anak lu tau perbuatan orangtuanya.

but when s/he knows about what you do and has to hide it from everyone, including you. when s/he knows but pretends to know nothing.

s/he will suffer because of it. probably for the rest of his/her life.

i swear to God kl gue gak bakal sejahat itu ke anak gue kelak. gak bakal.

"i just wanna happy with you. is it too much to ask?"

apparently, it is.

i hate that after months, i still can't function properly.
i hate for still not okay.
i hate for being weak.
i hate it when i went to the beach, the place that i love so much, i still can't completely happy.
while he went to the place we visited together, he probably had no problem and felt completely fine and happy.
i hate it cause i went to the beach with someone else, but he was the one that i'd been thinking of.
i hate for forgetting how to be happy while my happiness should be depends on no one but me.
i hate that i can't completely continue my life, while he probably can.
i hate my inability to completely remove him from my mind. what spell do you use on me?
i hate for being so angry on him right now. and miss him at the same time.
i hate the fact that whenever i feel that i've move on, then i realized that i actually still in the same position as before.
i hate it cause i must be sound pathetic.
i hate for being not sure what i feel right now.
i hate for not even know do i still love him or not.
i hate for missing him.
i hate for being messed.
i hate for crying for the same man over and over again. for many different reasons.
i hate the fact that be with him is hurting, but be without him is exhausting.
i hate that i still care of him.
i hate that i must be sound more and more pathetic right now.
i hate for not knowing what to do.
i hate for being so hateful.
i hate if you ever find this post and be pity on me.
i hate him. yet i miss him more.

i'm not this kind of girl. not for now.

i'm not in the mood for wearing the mask, pretending that i'm strong...

pretending to be something that i'm not.

no, not because i'm a drama queen. nor looking for attention.

i'm not hoping anybody's attention. i do realize that everybody has their own problems, their own battles.

they've been busy with their life.

and i have to fight my battle all alone.

so once again, no, i'm not an attention seeker.

i'm just tired.

yea, i also do realize that i'm not the most miserable one here.

there are people out there that have worse problems than me.

but, i also have a right to be tired, no?

and once in a while, i don't wanna fake it.

i don't wanna pretend that i'm fine. cause i'm not.

i wanna express what i feel right now.

here, in my own blog.

you can say i'm immature for posting my problems and emotions on internet...

and i don't care. for now.

besides, gue posting juga di blog gue sendiri yang notabene-nya gak bakal ada yang baca...

and i don't even know gimana elu, dear readers, bisa tetiba nyasar ke blog ini?!

so yea, judge me all you want.

i don't need anybody's permission to be weak.

or come here, sit with me.

let's be weak together, for a while.

before we continue to face our own battles.

and one day we'll be strong enough, we don't need to fake it anymore.

dear all living zombies...

stay strong.

this too shall past.

sometimes you face some problems, and then you're going to your closest ones, hoping that they'll help you. hoping that they'll give some advice, know how to solve it all, or even better, they'll hold your hands and say, "let's fight this battle together."

but when you come, you don't get them all. because they're too busy, they're struggling their own problem too. they want to help you, but they can't. because they're in pain too. you forget that everyone has their own problem. 

so, expect less. everyone has their own battle... and mostly you have to fight it all alone.

...because God thinks that you're strong and tough enough to face it all by yourself.

but then, think again. do you really all alone? the truth is, you're not. let's say you're a gladiator that gonna enter the arena. yes, you have to fight the battle alone, nobody will/can help you at the arena, but outside the arena, there are some audiences that cheer you up, or prepare your food before the battle, or even polish your weapons. so yea, just like what the liverpudlian always say, "you'll never walk alone." there are still some people that show some attentions, even the tiniest one, just like simply say "be strong," or "awas kl kamu jadi tambah kurus lagi, tak bikin jadi tengkleng." these kind of people, who still try to support you no matter how difficult their life is, are the kind of people that you have to always keep.

and don't forget to always show some attentions to people around you.. you don't know how your simple "keep fighting," or "you're strong, you can pass it." probably can really bring them up.

have a day, people.